thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think my moral compass just broke
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
