you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
