I want to have your abortion
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
