my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
