I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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