ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
