The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
