Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
