Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
