saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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