This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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