I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need moral support for this bender
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
