I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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