I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
