Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
