He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
