my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
