Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sorry my hands just texted you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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