yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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