One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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