The maid of honor just puked.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
