I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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