if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You are a booty call, not a friend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
