Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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