Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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