He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The power of my boobs compel you
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize