i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
