the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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