My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize