Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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