You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
