I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
