It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
