I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
