Just cropdusted the office
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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