just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
