Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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