I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
