She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
