I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
