remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
