I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
