any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
