bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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