I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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