dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
