You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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