Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
