No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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