what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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