So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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