remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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