I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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