Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
