Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
