the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
