we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
