you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
