I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I am naked and annoyed.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
